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December 4, 2014

I don't think I've been here this bad before

Simply, I am overburdened. Both by things I can and cannot control.  And I am overwhelmed.


I guess you can say I was too ambitious. Perhaps that's fair.  I was out of context. I knew had some limitations. But I went for the gold regardless. And gave it my best shot. I came up short. Still, nothing short of miraculous. I'm still standing. Barely. But still standing. Tired. But still standing  Uncertain. But still standing.

Let me make clear. Still hopeful. Still standing.


"Let us go then, you and I
When the evening is spread out against the sky...
"
- "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock", T.S. Eliot. 

December 3, 2014

The Start of the Trip and Barcelona

Hi all,

So I don't quite know where to begin. It's been a while since I've blogged anything!

To be honest, I have tried to write one long chronological blog about my trip to Europe this past summer, but it's been hard to find time writing everything in one blog.  So instead, I've decided to blog about my trip in a series of blogs, and not bound to a strict timeline.

This one will focus on the beginning of the trip, and Barcelona.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE START:

We took a journey, my brother, sister, and I.  Really, we lived the experience of a lifetime.  One of the best parts of it was that our uncle from the Philippines whom we haven't seen in person in a long time came along with us, too. Together, we traveled 6 countries in Europe: Netherlands, Italy, Vatican City, Germany, Spain, and France (my luggage did 7, with a pit-stop in England, but I'll talk about that later lol).

The night we left Sacramento, CA to start our trip.  Bye USA!
A lot of preparation went into this 2 week trip, yet, perhaps, a lot more effort went into internalizing how extremely blessed I was to experience anything like this.  In fact, a recurring prayer that went through my mind throughout the trip was "God, you're showing me so many beautiful things. How blessed I am, my Lord. Thank you so much... I can't put into words my gratitude".

A little reading on the plane to Amsterdam

In-flight movies while over the UK.

At one point, nearly 12 hours of flying from lift-off in Sac and after crossing the Atlantic Ocean, we were above UK.  And I hadn't been on a plane in at least 8 years.  Wow, I'm really, seriously flying over England right now! Right below, I thought,  is a beautiful country... All the dreams I've ever had about the UK flashed in my head. The River Thames, Big Ben, London Eye, home of the Beatles, Dickens, T.S. Eliot, and Gabrielle Aplin. The Station Sessions. It's all below me! Yes, this novel feeling of surreal gratitude never left me... enhanced my trip...  and made my trip really :)

BARCELONA:

Barcelona, Spain.

Aeroport de Barcelona


Arriving in Barcelona marked the last couple of cities before the end of our trip.  And my goodness was Barcelona beautiful.

Barcelona Cathedral

The beautiful Gothic ceiling of the Barcelona Cathedral

Having already been to Italy at this point of the trip, I've seen the most beautiful Baroque and high Renaissance Basilicas, but the most beautiful Gothic cathedral wasn't in Italy. Or France (although nothing beat having Mass at Notre Dame, which itself was a close Gothic cathedral second).  It is in Spain.  

The Barcelona Cathedral was the ethereal Gothic cathedral.  Being in there, I was simply full of awe. I think what really made it stood out was that its piercing reverent atmosphere.  I looked up at those ceilings and felt the emptiness of those high raised ceilings.  Unlike ceilings colorfully adorned, they were bare. It was its simplicity that struck me and brought tears to my eyes and peace to my soul.  This is what people 400 years ago saw.  This is what strengthened them during difficult moments, I am sure.

Gaudi's Casa Batlló
Gaudi's Sagrada Família



Barcelona Olympic Stadium


Group Picture in front of Camp Nou, FCB

Machiatto on the Beach of Barcelona

A very special moment in Barcelona was while ascending the stairs to Gaudi's Park Güell and taking a quick break and sitting down on a park bench in a small plaza.  A group of young children were playing football, and their parents were watching them besides their makeshift field.  Families were spending time together outside and enjoying their day.

I left Barcelona with a serene sense of happiness. 

August 22, 2014

"Monsters" - Mree



Saw Mree open up for Gabrielle Aplin in May.  Her music is absolutely lovely.

August 21, 2014

On chronic suffering...

Suffering is difficult.  Chronic suffering is an exceptionally exquisite type of suffering because it never really leaves.  Its severity at a particular time may be variable, but it's, by definition, never going to be out of your life; in other words, your life will never be the same.

That itself is part of the difficulty with chronic suffering.  When one first undergoes it, it's hard to accept the fact that life can never be the same as it was "before my .... ".  One of the beautiful things about accepting chronic suffering (not to be confused with despondency, which may occur from time to time), is being able to remember the "before"-times with a smile and, upon reflection, acknowledge the meaningful impact of the event on the richness of your life. 

The trick to chronic suffering is not to encumber your mind with the fact that it will never leave as this is a great impediment to the quality of your future with it.  When it comes, as it will, and at usually very inconvenient times, a part of the way to deal with it is being honest with the way you will face it at the time, and another part of dealing with it calls for the courage to do the best you know how to to face it -- all of this layered on top of the realization that my life in some respects will never be up to the standards it was once before becoming afflicted with chronic suffering.  There's an acknowledgement that this episode will come to pass and as a long as there is an honest effort, your best effort, given at the time of any episode then what more could you possibly do? 

Sometimes you will be disappointed with your best effort and give into the temptation to say "if only I didn't have... then it would be perfect", but this again is why chronic suffering is exceptionally insidious.  Call to mind again that any attempt to wish for your life without your chronic suffering beyond reflection after having accepted it only diminishes your chances of effectively living with it. 

A sign of living effectively with chronic suffering is being able to testify to the following statement: I will do the best I can to face it when it comes, live my life the best I can accordingly, and be gentle with myself because what more could I possibly do? 

June 15, 2014

Considerations

Temptation is a force like the wind on your hands 
hands when stuck out of the window of your car 
the faster you go, the stronger the wind is, squared
but if you stop the car, you'll never get there

Achilles was invincibile, but he had that heel of his.  That heel eventually doomed him.  For someone who had the guarentee of safety everywhere else, that heel, that heel, that heel.

Modern living is currently conflated in the story of Achilles' heel.  For the difficult reality is that one small part of someone's life can destroy someone's life.  There's an unknown saying that the natural course of life in modern times is built on, or should conform to, a structure succinctly put in words as "live while you're young".  But the story of Achille's heel aptly applies here for weakness is not as innate as its assumed it to be -- it can be born from actions, or at least, inaction.

Achille's heel applies because it can be applied to oneself.

The good news is that unlike in the classic Greek tale, the Achille's heel of modernity can be healed.  The bad news is that may not know we have one until we feel its effects. And so the emphasis we put on feeling in modernity is both a downfall and a blessing.  Thankfully, we can also rely on reason.

June 6, 2014

Finals Week Spring 2014

Today marks the last day of instruction for my first year at university. Finals week has technically, officially started.

11:59pm. That's how close I was to turning in one of my final papers. It wasn't supposed to be that close to the deadline (midnight).  I planned for at least 10 minutes before it to send it... but then my file wouldn't work! AHH. Thankfully, I saved a back-up version of it... oh sweetness and then just barely made the deadline.  But let me tell you, within that 10 minute window... ultimate panic.

Praying for everyone going through finals!

May 18, 2014

Gabrielle Aplin USA Tour: SF

There I was, listening to my favorite singer from the UK live in person on her first tour visit to The City by the Bay.  My birthday is two weeks; by far, one of the best of birthdays.

I've been listening to Gabrielle Aplin for a long time and I'm so happy for all of her success.  She recently released her first EP in the US (got it signed!).  The evening was ethereal.  The venue was quite small compared to an amphitheater so I had a close seat.  Afterwards, I got to meet her and talk with her.  She's absolutely lovely.  I couldn't ask for more honestly.  It was one of my dreams come true.  Definitely one for the books.

Looking forward to seeing her in person again. Maybe next time, when I visit the UK :)










May 3, 2014

April 18, 2014

Good Friday

I am always in awe at the events of Good Friday.  Even tearfully.

Tears are interesting because they're a distillation of all the desperation, pain, and suffering one endures.  They can definitely be pure, but I think they're mostly impure -- they also (can) contain instances of happiness, joy, and hope.  All these experiences overflow in what we call tears. 

One message I can take from Good Friday (there are many) is the message of trust.  Faithful trust.  Even if one doesn't believe in Jesus, one cannot deny His trust in God (even if one doesn't believe there is a God).  How do I trust? 

His trust in God allowed Him to undergo painful suffering for the benefit of others (us). Does my trust in anything, which manifests in the actions and decisions I make, do the same? Does my trust in whatever I trust in (e.g. my hard work, my skill set, my trust in people, ideas, concepts, or even my own personal trust in God) work for the benefit of others? 

And in this thought, suffering is given a meaning.  There's no question in that.  One can ambiguously give meaning to anything actually (some more rigorously proved than others). At this is the core of the human existence. So trust isn't as benign a topic from the fundamental questions of the human experience. Because what you trust in (say, yourself for instance) can not only be the starting point of your reasonings, but it could also be your detriment/benefit. Subsequently then, one's trust can also be a factor for another person's overall experiences. 

March 30, 2014

A re-update

Haven't posted in a long time... almost shameful really.

At the end of Spring Break and classes start again tomorrow, the start of my 3rd quarter... almost the end of my first year at uni. Got to finish strong!

Just a few words on last quarter... very happy on how I did :)

Spent my one week spring break at home with my family and best friend and couldn't ask for more (even though a few more weeks of a spring break would be pretty cool). Had a sweet time, resting and rejuvenating.  And reflecting.

One wonderful thing about reflection for me (there are many) is the bittersweet knowledge that there are things that I could do better next time.  Knowing I did not do as good of a job as I could of is the bitter part; knowing I did the best I could at the time is the sweet part.  No regrets and no guilt.  Just simply the knowledge that, should the same opportunity arise the next time, I could do things a little differently perhaps.  That's all. No over-thinking needed.

February 26, 2014

Cornucopia of Philosophy

There seems to be a contradiction.  We have all or most of the answers to a lot of pressing issues.  Indeed, we have algorithms at play that seem pretty solid.  But throughout this cornucopia of philosophies is an ache.  An ache in the pith of it.

So what has been said that hasn't been said already? Sure we can explore the extent of the cornucopia, for even more elegant prose, things said differently, sure, with more depth and thoroughness even, and I am not at all against this! Consider, we can do this ad infinitum.  But what can be said of it all without its produce? What does it yield? 

No, there's more.  For the original intent of words was not its beauty (but this is a part of it), but its purpose.

February 24, 2014

Center



It has become clear to me, perhaps through repeated bouts with ungodly amounts of stress and dissatisfaction, that I am by myself insufficient to meet the high demands of my hopes and dreams.  No, no, I am not saying that I myself am incapable of them by myself -- there's enough ambition, rational or not, inside of me to think otherwise, I'm a little afraid to say.  But to the extent and degree of such ambitions, I need my center to be strong.  And I cannot say mine's to be fit to this extent.

As I recenter myself on Him, I humbly ask for your prayers.

February 18, 2014

Oh, but if

Oh, but if...
The crack in the sidewalk
impeded my stride as to halt
my step and cause my fall
all for a glimpse of the orchids
then good.
I would not have looked otherwise

February 17, 2014

The third-person problem

The sadness in living is not scope, but in the inability to see beyond one's scope.

February 12, 2014

The Irony of the Impetus of Scientific Research

So as a budding scientist, I'm learning more and more about how research is conducted, and all that good stuff.  From how it's based on logic, on creativity, and to the constraints that is budget and funding.

But then the process of conducting research began to seem monotonous to me.  All creativity aside, in its bare form, a big part of it is essentially following the scientific method.  And of course, the mitigating factor in every life venture, is the pressure.  The pressure do things correctly (rightfully so), to produce meaningful work, etc.  Think planning a vacation, very stressful to do, but worth it when you're finally there.

But then I'm reminded of that ever important aspect of following any life venture: how it inspires you and, as specific to scientists, how you love the particular thing you're studying and researching.  Why do scientists become experts in some, arguably esoteric, interest of choice?

It's not logical, that's for sure.
(...I understand at the very least, it is kinda logical to an extent in the respect of it being viewed as a personal discernment; for example: a cancer researcher wants to research cancer because of cancer affecting that researcher's family... )

And here's the trip: the best scientists, so I've realized, are so inspired, enamored, in love with what they're studying it ceases to be monotonous, ever (or at least, for a long time... research interests can change I guess).

So, essentially, perhaps, all of science hinges on scientists following their research passions that more or less came to them in a particularly not logical way.  Well, at least that's how I see it so far.

February 5, 2014

Transcendental. Ethereal.



I listen to Shannon and all my worries melt away...

January 31, 2014

Oh know... no
I do not come unscathed
For every smile there seems an equatable frown
Surely, perhaps in line with the Law of Large Numbers
With I the exception, but I am assured for good reason
Say this is sufficient, I know the Scream and of Gachet
And I, indeed, also of the Agony and the Chaplet
With thanks I enjoy and endure as says Goethe
And my smiles are far from fake

January 27, 2014

Trust

Oh to be doubted
When I have been as thorough as I possibly could
By Method of Exhaustion, yes, I did
And now the world goes on, it does, to some end
I do not know
But I have been told over and over
What happens, He allows for good
Despite apparent sadness...
And for His Glory
So I do my best to follow what I can ascertain
And of what I cannot
Trust in Him

January 26, 2014

A Proposal

"And now, Mary, I've a home to offer you, and a heart as true as ever man to love you and cherish you; we shall never be rich folk, I dare say; but if a loving heart and a strong right arm can shield you from sorrow, or from want, mine shall do it.  I cannot speak as I would like; my love won't let itself be put in words.  But oh I darling, say you'll believe me, and that you'll be mine." 
- Jem, Mary Barton, Chapter XI

January 24, 2014

My Tinnitus

So in addition to my horrendous hearing, I also have intermittent tinnitus.  My first tinnitus episode happened in middle school, so I've been living with it for close to 10 years now.  I've got to say, I'm pretty happy that at least I only have it intermittently... for now at least.  When it gets terribly loud, I do get sad ... but I always look forward to the next time it relieves.

And when it does... I spend that time listening to as much beautiful music as I can:

Kina Grannis
Gabrielle Aplin
Andie (iwantaltidude on Youtube)
Shannon Saunders
Young the Giant
Lucy Rose
Frank Ocean
Adele
Sam Smith



Dry the River
Oh Land
Marina and the Diamonds
Eliza Doolittle
Ariana Grande
Justin Timberlake
Hayley Williams
Sister Crayon
Florence and the Machine
Bastille
...

January 21, 2014

My Prayer Before Studying

Lord, please help me to learn all that I need to learn so that one day I can use what I learned to help others. St. Thomas Aquinas, please pray for me.  St. Albert Magnus, please pray for me.

January 18, 2014

A Proper New Year Blog

It's been some time since I've updated my blog!

Save the poem I wrote, here's to a new and better 2014!

Started my second quarter at uni about two weeks ago, and I'm already knee-deep in assignments... I even had my first midterm last Friday (2 weeks in, and already a midterm)! I upped my unit load from 12 units to 17 units this quarter, so I'm extremely full-time, and the pace is unbelievable, but the challenge is so satisfying.  Every time I study, afterwards, I feel a gradual decrease in the weight on my shoulders and it feels amazing.

One of the best things about being in the upper divs is that I love everything I'm studying, and time flows by fast.  Sure, I need to get over a little activation energy to really get in the study mode, but when I'm there, I'd rather not do anything else. 

An interesting challenge also came about recently.  I've been having some trouble with my right eye vision as of late, and I've been at the doctor's often for it.  It's been recovering nicely, but doc says I may have sustained some vision loss... as gloomy as it sounds I'm just happy it can still see, and, that, as I said, the recovery is going well.  Prayers for my vision would be much appreciated. 

Unexpected surprises seem to be the motif for the first couple of weeks of 2014.  While I'd rather not have to deal with some of them, each surprise little by little prompts me to not stay complacent, and helps me to remember and renew the commitment I made to stay faithful and trusting in whatever God has in store for me. 

January 4, 2014

Perhaps

Perhaps soon, soon and soon no less
when the bergamot aroma rises into my nose
I'll look back and think, yes, I was patient and blessed
when the rhythmic tone of your laugh enters my ears
I'll look back and think, yes, I kept myself best
when the white pearls shimmer in the florescent light
I'll look back and think, yes, the hard wait was meant
and when our hug warms my heart
there will be no question left unanswered
Perhaps soon, perhaps soon