Finally

Finished the last of my Fall finals and my first quarter at university :)

Words can't quite describe how happy I am.  This is not directly talking about grades, I don't know exactly how I did yet... but as for grades I did the best I could and I think I did well so I'll leave it on that note :)

I'm just extremely thankful.

Going back to Sacramento soon to spend Christmas with family.  It'll be a sweet break. Last and not least, I'd like to give a shout-out to Matt for keeping me company and cheering me on through finals week!  Really glad to have his support.

Happy early Merry Christmas everyone! 12 days!

A Transfer's Nostalgia

The window cracked open.  Lights turned off, the keys out of the ignition. In the dark, I reclined back and lay in that shameful position, shoulders hunched. What am I going to do? was all I could think... consumed in the dreariness, uncertain about my future.

Finals week at university is a blessing to me, it's something I've dreamed about when life did not seem to be going so well.  So I pack up my backpack, hit the books, and thank God I'm able to make studying a priority.

Finals weeks

It's so real right now everyone.

Extremely close to finishing my first quarter at university... I'm incredibly tired but I'm so happy to be doing all of this.

Please keep all the college kids in your prayers. We need them!  Ask for intercession especially from St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Albert Magnus, and Mama Mary.  Thanks!

"All I Can Do Is Miss You..."

Shannon Saunders has seriously been the artist of the season for me.  Whenever I reminisce back to Fall 2013, I'll remember her. Beautiful songs.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I have so much to be thankful for.

Wishing you and yours a wonderful Thanksgiving :)

Sobriety

Sometimes the most sobering news is... you're not all that...

Oh yeah. I said it.

BUT, to avoid the catastrophe that you become delusional, such sobering news needs to be tamed and combined with the fact that you are a masterpiece in your own right :)

"Oh what did I say?..."

Filled to the brim

It's tough when it feels like there are a million things going on in your life and you have to keep constant track of it all in your head.  And it's the absolute worst when you think you can't even take a break because you have so much to do.

Then I'm gently reminded that I don't have to have it all figured out, and it's okay to let the chaos just encapsulate you for a minute.

Doing my best, and trusting in Jesus.

I think it goes without saying...

... if I've shared my personal problems with you before, then, yes, I would like to talk about them in the future; don't be afraid to bring them up -- in fact, I'd actually find it very kind and caring of you to ask how I'm doing now in regards to said problems.

It's the strangest thing to tell someone your deepest problems and them not bring it up in the future.  It's as if the topic didn't really matter or at least I interpret it like that.  I can only confide in someone so much about something so personal, especially when the problem is so pervasive in my life, without sounding completely egocentric.  But people will act their own ways.

This just lets me know if trusting you with my personal problems was a good idea or not.  No hard feelings to you, but to mine, a downer.

A note on character

The true test of character is in the absence of the environment it was grown in.

Eponine

Oh dear Eponine
Is it beyond a doubt that all you had been through led up to that moment in Marius's arms? And all you felt in his embrace was worth all the rain.  If such is the case, then it can be said you died how you wanted to, or, at the very least, the best way you could have ever wanted to die.  For you took it upon yourself to accept that your dreams were simply unrealistic, and, within your bounds, instead you lived such that the person you loved had the love he desired -- not yours.  You were the flower who grew in the rain whose sun shined on not.  But for just for that one, sad moment, you received the best love you could hope for, in insurmountable thanks, and sung the happiest song to the happiest ending.

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A little yum in Davis

Oh when push comes to shove...

Don't lose your humanity.  A vicious world doesn't have to produce vicious people.  Instead, it could produce virtuous people with quite a level of skill to deal with vicious people and a vicious world.

Oh how many times I've been tempted. Countless.

Midterms tomorrow...

Second round of midterms start tomorrow.

You bet I'm caffeinated. Hashtag, collegelife.

Haunting...

But so captivatingly beautiful.

A care uncared for...

is wine turned into vinegar.

In loving memory

This past week the pastor at my parish passed away.  It all happened so fast.  Less than three weeks ago I was hearing him celebrate Mass and speak his homilies... honestly, I'm going to miss him very much.  Fr. Terry Fulton was the priest at St. Maria Goretti Parish for the past four years and the past four years I've grown in my faith tremendously; he was there to help me in my growth, always very supportive and always thankful for my volunteer work in the parish.

The moment I found out about his passing I was in a shock I wish I could have denied at the time but couldn't.  I found myself going to Starbucks in a surreal state, standing in line in a dreariness, and ordering a hot mocha -- Fr. Terry loved this drink and having coffee in the morning.  It was all I could do at that moment.  I guess it helped me to remember his presence.

I'll miss him and I'll never forget him, and I'm thankful for having been a parishioner at his church.  May perpetual light shine upon him and may he rest in peace in the love of Christ.  Hopefully, I'll see him again someday on the other side.

And in the blink of an eye...

...all the memories flash back.  Every ache, every tear, every laugh, and every smile.  All the memories. There's a surreal feeling whilst reminiscing, a sad yet sweet and comforting warmth in every flashback.

And all I can do is smile and thank God for every single moment that happened. I may not know what the future holds, but looking back, it all turned out absolutely wonderful. And with the warmest and softest release I know, I let go.

Jesus, truly He made it all happen.

A speck of snow on my shoulder

You know that pang of emptiness you feel when things change? It's hard for me to close myself off to the fact instantly, I'm unable to operate like that, and I'd hate to.  It's as if to say what used to be wasn't really important to you in the first place, in other words to grieve is always going to be necessary.  But what I'm feeling isn't hopelessness; no faith is lost here. It's simply just loss, a loss.

Brilliant

My solace

... Jesus answered them, "Do you believe now? Behold, the hour is coming and has arrived when each of you will be scattered to his own home and you will leave me alone. But I am not alone, because the Father is with me. I have told you this so that you might have peace in me. In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world." - John 33:16

When I read this scripture, something within the deepest parts of my self stirs with great confidence and happiness.  The hustle in respects to the worries I have is nullified, and I'm reminded everything will be okay. 

Midterms

It's as if everything I post now only relates to school lol, or mostly to school, but it's kind of all I'm really doing so...

It doesn't get dull. Tiring, yes, but only because I'm physically tired, in no way interiorly tired.  I'm so happy.  I took my first university midterm today, to me, it's what I've been waiting for for a long, long time, as odd as that sounds.  I have two midterms on monday, so the weekend is full to say the least.

Just an update.  My best to everyone taking exams right now.

Why I love Literature

I was born a science guy.  I used to fantasize that my closet had a secret door which lead to an underground laboratory, with pipets, erlenmeyer flasks, and lab coats (mine personalized as Dr. Simmons) -- it goes without saying, I was a huge Dexter's Laboratory fan when I was kid.

Slowly though, I began to appreciate the other side of the human experience, from physical sciences... to the human experience.  It began in dance, I started to dance in middle school, and continued onto high school by being a part of my High School's dance company.  And I loved it, but long story short, I ended up so caught up in dance that I forgot to balance it with my love with science.

In college, one course forever changed my perception of reality and ingrained in me the realization of the need for one to come to an appreciation for and balance of science and the human experience, a balance of both extremes of the spectrum, from pure mathematics to abstract art, both are necessary.

One part of the human experience I'm so in love with is literature.  Literature is essentially everything you've read of in history, or in the news, or of situations in life (love, relationships, stories, etc), but told in either in a first person account or third person account, all done so artfully.  You can't fully know a situation without reading the literature of the situation.

Literature is personal (essays are different, but still personal, lol).  It all boils down to this, literature is personal.  The sincerity of the human experience can be written. I can know of no more compassionate person than one who considers another person's literature (in the case when you aren't able to actually meet or know the person, in person).

Songs like this...

... at the right moments, like now for me, how I've just spent the whole day going through frustrations, worries (I know, I got to stop that), and long hours studying, now just laying on the couch, on the computer looking out the window, having gone through a long day of work, again, feeling incredibly blessed I'm able to do everything I'm doing right now, just sync so well I can't quite explain properly how happy, thankful, peaceful I am...

A long day but...

Just spent over 14 hours on campus today, studying, class, internship application.  I have a midterm next week and two more midterms the week after.

 ... I've never loved it more.

Oh, the absurdity

One of my favorite topics to talk about is the Absurd, a specific part of the Existentialism.

The Absurd is a powerfully humbling thought in its own right.  It basically states that humans have a deep longing to find answers to the hardest questions of life, but are incapable of finding the answers because of our nature as human beings.  Again, it's a powerful, sobering, and humble thought... I've spent countless hours ruminating and reflecting on it... absurd thinking channels the same feelings as looking in helpless-awe at the night sky.  Absurdism came to be from the depths of a person who has hit rock-bottom, one who has been hallowed and helled, on the knees in surrender, eyes flowing of rivers, wrung and devoid.

This blog comes with a caution though, because absurdity in and of itself as one's only worldview can become completely depressing, even anarchic.

There's nothing more solacing, nothing more invigorating, nothing more full of hope than answering the problem absurdity poses with the truth of Christ. It's the beautiful answer.  More full than existentialism, romanticism, impermanence, transcendentalism, realism, etc... in all their applications is Christendom.

But don't take my word for it, instead allow yourself to be open to the realization, the beautiful epiphany.  It's a journey worth taking, and to do your best while on this earth is only goal.

A little Emerson

“Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Where was this in Nature and "The American Scholar"? lol

It got real, real quick

Quarter system is so fast.  Each lecture we cover one chapter...in each class. And I'm taking the lower end of full time, so three classes... I'm piling up 3 chapters in a two days spread between rotating classes... that is fast.  But I'm game so game... stressed a bit... but game.

You

A dumb, goofy smile
That is all that I can do
When I think of you

Choose or Include?

In the transition from living at home, surrounded by family and close friends, to living away from home where no one really knows you, I've noticed the temptation to completely isolate myself from my past and really start "new".

And it's funny coz the first of the temptation to become done away with my old self is "my faith".  I've already met more than a couple of people who told me they seldom attend Mass now...

I recently heard a talk from Mike Patin saying something along the lines of:
"God doesn't want you to choose between Him and your dreams, your activities, etc... He just wants you to include Him in your dreams, your activities, etc..."

My parents...

I don't know how my parents do it all... my dad works graveyard shift... my mom has to commute about 2 hours one way every day... Thankful for my mom and dad.

I know every one of us carries a tailored-fit cross, but comparing mines to my parents, at times mines seems so much easier, but at the same time I know mines is quite heavy for me too...

My parents go through a lot... it's just inspiring.

Oh God... thank You,

Just finished my first class at UCD and all I can think is how amazing God is and has been to me... taking me places, seeing sights, and meeting people I thought I only could of imagined...

For a long time, it's as if I saw the world from looking up from the bottom of a canyon, slowly progressing upwards seeing every crevice upon reaching higher latitudes, appreciating what little I had, never thinking I'd actually have the strength to see it all from the top... But God reached out and lifted me up, high, higher than I could imagine of seeing from this canyon... unfathomable sights, the beauty of the rise, and how inadequate the feeling of being here, but regardless, still here, now fortified by the idea that He deems me rightful to see this...

Only ever here to do my best and trust in His Plan.

Main Reading Room at the Shields Library

Gunrock the Mustang and I 

Moved Out

Officially a resident of UC Davis... and I'm absolutely loving it.

On Fire Norcal Jam 2013

Went to On Fire Norcal Jam 2013 yesterday and it was weird this year, and not because of the event itself, but unfortunately, due to unruly rain, we had to leave early.

While my time at On Fire Norcal Jam was short this year, I still got to take something from the event: Mr. Jesse Manibusan's “Who is the Church? We are! Where is the Church? Right here! And? Everywhere!”, our resilience, even singing with Ike Ndolo, and Mass in the rain, a generous lunch, and talks, from Righteous B's plea to us to want real love (not imitation love) and Leah Darrow's definition of love as “wanting the best for the greater good of the other”.  As put by Leah: “God loves you. That's awesome (referring to Righteous B's talk)”, and “God loves you. It's okay (referring to her talk)”.   These are the memories that'll I'll keep close to my heart.

While I was in the rain, I noticed myself having an interesting thought, I thought to myself:

I'm sticking it out in the rain for the Lord, I should be seen for this, noticed for this, I should be appreciated for this... 

In hindsight, I realized this was my unconscious desire for immediate praise from others.  I'm starting to think it's hardwired in us, like a positive feedback loop where once we do something appreciable, our friends support us, so we start to expect support from others for every act of goodness we do.  Perhaps we've lost the desire to just do things because they're good to do.

Going to do better to accept and put into philosophy and action that not every little thing I do is "all that" and needs attention.

Infinite Loops

Just came back from an amazing family vacation in Lake Tahoe. So thankful I got to cap the rest of my summer before uni there with them. Lake Tahoe is beautiful as always, and I loved spending time with all my cousins. Drinks, games, and food, lounging on the beach-shore... I can't thank my cousins and aunts and uncles, mom and dad, I can't thank them enough for everything they did to make the trip so dope. Will post pics as soon as those get uploaded.

Very blessed to have had our resort right on the shore... I woke up, walked 20 steps, and the lake was right there. Framed by the mountains, the lake is a beaut, and really got time to think. 

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I think this blog is long-over due for me, because I'm pretty much a self-certified expert at personal infinite loops (cue the TBBT clip with Sheldon Cooper and his infinite friend loop).  

I'm not hating against routines, especially good routines, and we all have them, but it takes a great deal of personal investment and humility to really take a step back and have a good look at the negative routines in your life.  And there are probably many good ways to deal with them, so I'll leave that to your discretion. 

But there comes a point, that lowly, rock-bottom moment, when you've dwelt in a negative routine for a long time that you begin to say to yourself "I'm done feeling/living/acting this way" and have say to yourself "I'm ready for a new chapter in my life, whatever that is" despite all the uncertainty, worry, and anxiety attempting to do so brings you. In a sense it's kind of like a balancing act where on one side is your negative routines and all that habit affords you, and on the other side the possibility of all the good the attempt to break those habits may bring you.

I usually don't brush over details, but I understand this very general call-to-action of an extremely personal moment in anyone's life doesn't do much to help anyone who is actually in the process of getting over a negative infinite loop as far as specifics go, but that's where it all starts fundamentally: it's worth it to repeat over and over again -- I'm ready for a new chapter in my life, whatever that is.  And I think a lot of people need that reminder, including me. 

The Stasis of Faith... and any other thing that matters to you, for that matter

I'm always shocked when people of faith can't show simple expressions of their faith. I'm not talking about anything drastic, but hows for example, on Facebook, just simply stating your religion in your "About Me" Section?

Actions like that can't be in any way be too evoking or confrontational to a person without faith (if this is the reason for doing so).  Of course, the person may not actually claim the religion personally, which in that case, good -- then I definitely understand why he or she may choose to leave the field blank.  Does it really matter, it's just a small section in the "About Me". Yes! It does. Your religion does have an impact on your philosophical formation, whether you agree with it or disdain it. A person who grew up in a faith, or lack thereof, has a fundamental philosophy influenced by being of the faith or not.  Why do we need to know? So we can stereotype the person into a category based on the faith they claim and add biases to them that are well warranted because of generalizations given to the belief system? Uh, rude. NO. Not the case, my friend, not the case.

Let's just say it like this:
Either one censures his or her faith to flee unfair generalizations, or one politely proclaims his or her faith as an opportunity for open-minded, respectful discussion been those of different faiths, camaraderie between those of the same faith.

But speaking from a Roman Catholic view... I'm honestly proud and humbled to share my faith, politely, of course. Catholicism has greatly influenced Western Civilization (and all human civilization for that matter) for the past 2000 years.  The Church offers age-old, tried, tested, and true insight, wisdom, reflection, and guidance, especially to matters of the human heart and the human experience. The Church offers the Truth that is Christ. So yes, my About Me section on Facebook has "Catholic" in it. And everywhere I go, I consider it an honor to share my faith.  And I know every person, Catholic or not, is on their own journey in the faiths, so no one should ever oblige you to be enthusiastic of your faith, but I find it extremely difficult to just stay extremely silent on the Good News, or any news of goodness for that matter.

At the very least, in the most general sense, I think it's good stature of a person to openly state what he or she supports, likes, dislikes... etc., anyways. Social media makes it easy to do so, and any decent person is respectful towards you as a person regardless of what you think/believe/feel (and hopefully, you think/believe/feel rationally, sincerely, and respectfully). Everyone deserves respect because every person is a human person.

So I guess it concludes to this: either people are afraid of expressing their faith, again for fear of generalizations and unfair treatment, or the world just isn't respectful enough for people to be comfortable to do so.  And both realizations are sad.

Read this

"Dear son, don’t let Robin Thicke be a lesson to you" - Matt Walsh Blog

I encourage any decent person to read this article. You probably won't like it if you're still into hedonism. But for the sake of all those who want to open their eyes and hearts to something enlightening, good, and timeless, read it.

Excited

I wonder how much I can actually fit in the next two years of my life...

I'm about to find out :)

The Problem of the Wanderlust-Self

There are moments when I wish I could be someone else, take someone else's problems, and not be me.  Simply to be someone else.  I have these wandering ideas that, if I were someone else, I'd be able to be closer to this other person, or I'd be able to accomplish so much more, and, best of all, I wouldn't have to deal with the problem I have to deal with.

It's a one-sided, naive attempt to dissociate myself with myself; how could I really think another person's problems would be easier than mine, given their own specialized situations and circumstances? But then again, the pain the self is conflicted with causes the self to weakly wonder.

Dissociating thoughts are caused by embarrassment, of course. The self becomes embarrassed of the past mistakes, the present problems, and the future struggles.  It's the polar opposite of the cure to the problem of the wanderlust-self, embracement.

Once the self embraces the past mistakes, the present problems, and the future struggles, then there is no more dissociation. Spurred by the belief that the self experiences itself, and all that it has been confronted with, for good reason, the self will proceed by good reason and wonder no more.

Recuperation

This past weekend I accidentally dropped a large speaker amp on my left foot.  You should have seen how swole it got, NOT a good look! Took a trip to the E.R. and no broken bones, thankfully. Now I've just been staying put at home and resting up.  Wish it healed faster, but I know I'm pretty blessed to have not had anything more serious happen. Just wanted to point out also, I'm not usually that uncoordinated lol.

Action

I'm very much a thorough guy in thought, or at least I try to be, and sometimes it isn't a good thing, I'll admit.  Don't get me wrong, thinking things through is a great asset for me.

But if the the words you read, and the things you see, and the thoughts you think all just reverberate in your mind and stay there, and don't act as an impetus to action at all...

In the moment and in time

Sometimes in a big decision you have two conflicting processes: the feeling of "this is the right decision" (perhaps spurred by being "in the moment") and then actually thinking about and discerning the decision.

The former has the pure emotional reaction, and sure, making your decision purely on emotional grounds probably isn't the wisest thing to do (most of the time?), but simply denying the pure feeling completely... isn't that being dishonest to yourself to some degree?

The latter is purely rational (hopefully) but still, perhaps in the most extreme case, you could quite possibly undermine and even neglect how really felt about the situation. 

But if there is any justice in the world, then at the least this must be true in making a big decision: you need a lot of time and prayer; your true feelings shouldn't be ignored and if they last through the thought/discernment process... then I guess you have your answer. 

Ah, anxiety.

I know the feeling well.

In life, either you let your anxiety run you, or you control your anxiety.

This or that...

Cognitive dissonance is an interesting experience... to say the least. You hear a new theory, your old theories are confronted and inconsistent with the new theory, you think (hopefully), and then make a decision.  And sometimes... these decisions are big... lifestyle changing... world-view altering.

I needed a way to soundly deliberate conflicting theories; the evaluation comprises of, but are not limited to, these three modes of thinking:

• Critical thinking (logical reasoning, mutli-dimensional analysis, world literature, etc.)
• Scientific Research and Methods (scientific methods, literature and contemporary evaluations, new research, etc.)
• Faith and Ethics (Catholic & religious thought/insight, ethical implications, moral dilemmas, etc.)

Sure, it may sound exhaustive... but should there be any less of a standard?

In all struggles...

Just got to lift them up to the Lord and do your best. 

Totally having a difficult time prioritizing right now, but I have to make decisions and decisions... have to break bad habits... and have to continue to learn from mistakes. 

Prayers very much appreciated right now. Thanks 

What do you do when you have a big life-changing realization?

Thank God and have a drink, of course.

Mid-vacation

Can't believe half my vacation is already over... it went by pretty fast lol.

But still, two months left 'till uni. Yahooooooooooooo

The extent of my introvert-ness

If I spend more than one day stuck in my house, I get antsy. One day at home, yes, absolutely great and definitely needed. But consecutive days, not as nice.

I guess I'll never be like Thoreau and live my life secluded in the forest next to a lake months at a time. Or, a monk, for that matter. 

Chemical Analysis

I've been thinking a lot about how one could take the view that our human behaviors could be empirically explained by chemical analysis. For example, the amount of stress we feel has been shown by studies to be correlated to the amount of cortisol levels in the body (see here).

If one were to take the view that our behaviors and feelings were all simply (putting this lightly) the result of the chemical processes in our bodies, how incredibly dull and vapid our existences would be, that we are all just a result of reactions to stimuli, that, like the glory of sciences, we could actually model our experiences based on independent and dependent variables, correlated factors, and internal and external validities. The feeling of love, therefore, would just be based on a determination of finite factors leading to a wanted result -- it would be that easy... or easier, considering it is a complex result of multidimensional analysis, than actually finding a soulmate (which is arguably difficult, lol).

This isn't a mockery of scientific power. I'm a proponent for scientific innovation.  However, does this chemical analysis sound too... business-like? Perhaps.

"Cause if you're not really here
Then the stars don't even matter
Now I'm filled to the top with fear
That it's all just a bunch of matter"

- "Black and Gold" by Sam Sparro

Hope

"... Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless."

-- G.K. Chesterton

Grabbing life by its horns, and then some.

Here's a wonderful quick read I definitely recommend, especially coming from a Psych background, kind of an aside to the actual blog I'm going to write ;)

"Grabbing Life by the Horns"

So this past weekend was special in a lot of ways. Me and my family went to LA to pick up my brother who's currently studying at UCLA, he just ended his spring quarter, and just for references sake, I ended my spring semester almost a month ago -- on a different note, I'm honestly bracing myself for my transition to the quarter system because I heard it's not for the faint of heart lol.  

I honestly think the UCLA campus is charmingly beautiful because of the architectural design of Powell Library and Royce Hall.  There's something about old style Renaissance-Gothic-type-ish architecture that really just puts me in awe, that kind of tugs at my heart strings and resonates in my soul, sort of like looking at the stars on a dark night or being inside a cathedral. 

I also got to attend the commencement ceremony of a great friend of mine who graduated from UCLA this year.  Very happy for him and his achievements.  He's a very hard working guy, studies hard, and is able to sacrifice sleep at a caliber I'd never want to lol.  Congrats Matt! 

Having spent four years at community college, not exactly the plan from the start lol, I'll have to take two more years to finally graduate, and I look forward to that day so, so much.

While in LA, I also got to hang out with my uncle and his family in Santa Clarita.  Having just turned 22 this year, it's even more amazing to see how my little cousins have grown up since I've last saw them, they're getting older and older... and the little kids I once knew are thriving teens and I'm ... old-er. Lol.

Back home in Sac now, living an amazing summer. Plenty of time to relax and rest.  Also been daydreaming about the future... really spent some time today reflecting about my past too, and while reminiscing, I realized that for most of my post-18 year old life I've mostly been just barely (but thankfully) getting by, whether that'd be in school, or relationships, or in life in general. 

I really want to "Grab life by the horns" more. I really, really want to. I want to grab hold of all the opportunities I have because so many are open to me right now, in this moment.  One thing I always have noticed is how fast time flies by, e.g. one day it's the beginning of the semester, and then 16 weeks pass, I'm studying for finals, and I look back and go, "man, I remember the first day of sem like it was yesterday and I wish I could have done blah, blah, blah, more ...".  While I'm sure that experience probably will always happen, that I say I wish I could have done things a little different, I've learned and experienced it's totally possible to not feel any regret despite wishing I could have done a few things differently.  I have plenty of learned lessons, and I want to maximize them, and I'd hate to regret something I know I was totally capable of trying "back then". 

So here's to being "in this moment", having hopes and dreams and ambitions, great potential, in the most capable state. 

Natural Talent

Connie Talbot is a great singer and her voice is absolutely beautiful.  This cover is one of my favorites for this song. I'm not impressed of her singing just because she's only 12 years old, but you must admit, for her age her skill is simply beyond words -- one of the finest examples of natural, God-given talent I've ever witnessed.

Eyes

Have you ever looked into the eyes of a person who's fighting against all the odds? Eyes filled with pain and suffering and sadness, tired eyes... yet eyes with an unfaltering determination and perseverance.  You can begin to see, by the way those eyes reflect in the light, a glimpse of how much that person has gone through hell and back.  And the look of those eyes leave an impression.  And you will remember them for the rest of your life.

A Breeze

In the midst of all the salt water

comes a slight and powerful breeze

cooling the senses, cooling the pain

A simple reminder of the Holy Spirit

of the love that never left, and will never leave

of the safety I've been blessed with

And a simple smile curves my face

So much could have gone wrong, so much

Oh the power of a simple breeze

Twenty Two

22...

This year, less worry, more thankfulness, less stress, more faith.  Less having a vice-like grip on life, more of doing my best and letting go.

All thanks to God above. :)

Can you accept love?

Well, I think it depends on what kind of "love" you expect.  It is certainly correlated to how you view yourself.  If you view of yourself as a diamond, then you perhaps expect love with respect to your view of yourself as a diamond.  If you view yourself as a pebble, then you perhaps expect love with respect to your view of yourself as a pebble.  If the former is you, then you understand and respect your God-given worth, rightfully so.  If the latter is you, then you understand your human imperfections, rightfully so.

The key, I think, is to realize we're both a diamond and a pebble.

But I'll tell you this, I know the latter very much so true to me and how I expect love from others is based mostly, although not solely, on this half of the amalgamation. How I view myself is mostly, although not solely, on the former half of the amalgamation. And so, when I receive love from others, I feel so undeserving and extremely thankful.  And when I view myself, I know I'm worth more than a self-deprecating evaluation.

 In harmony, love, from others and the way I love myself, nourishes my entirety to the point of sublime joy.

Living on the Cusp

The tip of exuberance and desolation
is one of piercing intensity
Either you're impaled, maimed by the shock
or sewn, weaved into a masterpiece

Thanks

There is nothing as sweet and fulfilling as a sincere "thank you".  

There's an idea that reciprocity always has to be expressed in the form of a "trade-off" where the value of the  reciprocated gift should match the value of the initial offering.  What's interesting is that anthropological analysis has considered this process, in some respects, as very business-like, but you could take an anthropology class and see that for yourself. 

But a sincere thank you... such a beautiful expression.  I can't properly describe. 

I guess one has to come from a place where the kindness shown isn't at all deserved. 

Eyebags...

Eyebags on eyebags on eyebags.

I should be a juggler. Because I'm juggling so many things right now. LOL


I shouldn't be allowed to tweet or post or blog during finals. Hahahahahahaha


Okay I'm done. STUDY

A prayer to "...him who we know loves us..." - St. Teresa of Avila

"Lord, grant me the grace to have confidence in what I can do and the humility to acknowledge that I can only do all these because of You. Amen."

- (http://seedsbymarktanoja.blogspot.com/2013/05/may-15-didache-reflection.html)

Finer Things

We can talk about Merlot and legs, decadence and cadence, the swift move of rivers and currents of events, all of which subtly hint either pretentiousness or thoughtfulness, and of which are you? Because, in all senses, the idea of using all senses shouldn't be a downcast expression when it really is an appreciation of all we've been given, i.e., the gifts we take for granted. So when I toast, I don't toast to toast, but to celebrate. And when I seem to be decadent, rather, I am keen to the delicate. And the rivers I swim in are lively, and I swim good, and I'm refreshed.

Is there a word for...

... the feeling of fighting through the odds? ... the feeling of running through a thousand arrows and dodging every single one? ... the feeling of swimming upstream when the current pulls you back with a deadly force? ... the feeling of singing at the top of your longs just to hit the right note, with the right feeling?... the feeling of clenching and wringing out the guitar neck just to be able to get that right twang, to literally feel the music?


"Perseverance"  seems like an adequate word, but that doesn't feel entirely right.
"Panache" seems like a better word... or the closest I guess I can get.


Coz when your back's against the wall, that's how it feels like.

The Sweet Spot

I've noticed there's an interesting cost in being too focused on a specific goal for yourself.  On the other hand, there's also an interesting cost in not being focused enough. 

I'm not talking about the clear consequences of each, that is either you achieve the goal or not.  While that could be the case, there's an even more subtle struggle.

Generally speaking, if you are too focused on a specific self-oriented goal, you may become blinded and insensitive towards other people's feelings.  And if you are not focused enough, then you aren't effectively helping yourself achieve your own goals.

There's a sweet spot.  A most effective, charitable, to yourself and others, sweet spot. 

I call it bass therapy

Plug in my ears to this remix... perfect.

Nothing beats a deep bass line with a rhythmic hi-hat that cuts right through. Ecstasy.

Rehabilitation

If the time permits, it's certainly a worthwhile use of time to spend a few moments in a state where, although much was different before, the strengths of that particular state taught a principal admonition that would be useful to the success of the state of events taking place now.

To take bits and pieces of the entire, both objective and subjective, human experience into perspective at any given moment of time, to cater specifically to the particular events taking place now... oh... how great indeed.

5:41 am

I am so tired.  Up early for school.  Why must I live through this drudgery? Sorry about ranting.  I'm just so tired.  I just want to lie in my bed and sleep.

Not the most motivating of my blogs, I know.  But I'm sleep deprived.

Btw, finals are in about 2-weeks.  This is equivalent to the 2-minute warning in sports.

I wonder...

... is there a correlation between the degree at which one experiences suffering and their strive to live the virtues and live life to the fullest?

If there is, perhaps it should be called the "Saint proportionality".

CRUCHTIME

So much to do between now and the end of the semester.

Lord help me, coz it's time to put the team on my back, doe.

Thanks be to God! -- I've been accepted!

I am beyond myself right now, seriously in a daze of happiness and thankfulness...

I have officially received all of my university admissions replies, and, still in awe, I'm pleased to announce that I've been accepted to all the schools I've applied to -- CSU East Bay, SF State Uni, and UC Davis.

This is a big deal for me honestly.  I've had such an uncertain path up to this point, full of painful times, doubts and worry, full of anxiety and fear, full of not really knowing what would come of my life.  There've been rock-bottom times. And there've been times when I've wanted to quit.  And the battle trying to start over and over again from the train wrecks, from the failures, with the accumulated weight of past efforts in my mind as psychological battle scars have made the journey indescribably difficult. And to me, what has happened, what is the surest thing I can say up to this point is that without God's help through it all, I would have never gotten this far; truly, it's been a difficult time, but with His help, He's been taking me to heights I can't even fathom, and even more so.

I want to take this time to say something to anybody who didn't get into their choice-university -- I have felt the same way before.  Four years ago before junior college, I had applied to UC Davis with the surest certainty a young, bold man could ever have had -- it was my dream school, and I thought I had all the qualifications.  But I got rejected.  This changed my life.  I remember everyone around me announcing all of their acceptances and wearing the sweater of the university they planned to attend, and I remember feeling so sad, not that I had a problem with people sharing their good news, but that the ember of the pain of not getting into my uni was rekindled.  And I want to say, don't give up. Even if I had not been accepted to my choice-university now, I still would have carried on to a university I had been accepted at -- it isn't so much as mulling over and trying to over-excessively control where you want to go to, so much as developing the openness and willingness to accept the way the dice fell and adapt, and to trust that everything happens for a reason, to trust God's will for you, that everything will be okay as long as you keep on trying and persevering the best you can.  I'd love to say that everything we want to happen will happen with enough hard work and perseverance, but that just isn't the world we live in, so we try our best and work with what we get.  And if I can apply a liberty here, what you get is exactly what you need for right now... use it wisely, thoroughly taste the experience, adapt, and everything will be okay. On another note, if you are a high school senior, just want to reiterate that junior college is not a bad idea, perhaps it isn't the ideal situation, but it can still turn out okay. Promise.

So now beings the process of working through my options, my financial aid, planning for moving... I'm in uncharted territory folks! :) I'm in my last community college semester, gearing up for uni either starting in August or September.  Cheers!

Sometimes I think my struggles give me a disadvantage in life...

... but then I realized my struggles, although relatively small in some respects, actually places me in some good company, perhaps even in the league of the greats.

"If there is no struggle there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom and yet deprecate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground, they want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the awful roar of its many waters. This struggle may be a moral one, or it may be a physical one, and it may be both moral and physical, but it must be a struggle. Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will."

- Frederick Douglass

Music, tea, and prayers gets me through...

A typical cycle in the life of Aaron goes like this:

1. Plans day
2. Feels overwhelmed by amount of stuff I have to do
3. Pray
4. Makes tea with honey
5.  Listens to music/play guitar
6. Gets to business

Should I worry?

All, is it scary that I finished a 2.5 lb jar of honey within a 3-weeks time?

After finishing the jar, I honestly felt like I knew how Pooh felt every time it happened to Pooh.

Lucy Rose is wonderful

And also, good music can seriously help to soothe and alleviate the pain, even to let it escape out.  Especially when you play the music yourself.

A good laugh can cut through and peel away all the layers of the pain.

Influx Outflux

Yes, "outflux" is not a word, but it sounds like it could be.

Lol. I wonder if I'll ever get used to how drastic things can change all of a sudden.  Maybe? Maybe not. Hahaaaa

Maybe

Maybe I don't have as think of a skin as I would like, or my backbone isn't as strong yet.  Maybe it actually might be too much for me.  Who knows? Not I, I guess.  But that is besides the point. But let me tell you, sometimes emotional distress is draining.  And if you feel that way sometimes too, I know how you feel.  And if you can admit it too, then I'm right there with you. 

Can't Wait

www.twitter.com/gabrielleaplin

Norcal Honey Company by Nature Nate's

Hmm. Best honey I've ever had.

SPRING BREAK ... BEGIN

And who can understand?

And who can understand
the pressure of my pain
the terror of my moments
the agony of my shame

And who can understand
the source of my joy
the crack of my smile
the filling in my eyes

And who can understand
with a benefit of a doubt
with critical love
with a love that knows

And who can understand
all that I desire
all that I mean
and all that I do and don't

-------------------------------------------------------------
Is there such a word for that?

You guys...

It's an amazing feeling finishing your homework on a Sunday night at an early hour way before sleep time.  Just doing so makes me feel like Monday won't be too bad.

I'll check the theory out!

PS: Prayers out to all of my university friends on their finals week! Good luck!

Sad Contentment

"I hope he buys you flowers
I hope he holds your hand
Gives you all his hours
When he has the chance
Take you to every party
Cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man"
-Bruno Mars, "When I Was Your Man" 

I wonder if there's such a word that describes the emotion as in the last chorus.  Before that part, I definitely felt the regret and sadness, but the last chorus is different, I feel.

The last chorus is sadly content.  It's a mixture of having let go and still aware of the reprecussions of his actions, mindful of his inability to change what can no longer be changed. 

A smile

I can remember a smile for ages.

When the ball gets rolling...

it really rolls.

Beauty

It's clear to me when I have just witnessed, realized, experienced... beauty.  There's an outpouring from within me without bounds when it happens.  The feelings I have is a mixture of disbelief and understanding, warmth, empathy, happiness, and hope. And what was once darkness inside, is now light.  And what was once broken inside, is now repaired.  And what was once hopelessness inside, is now fortified love.

Radiant

"It was only a sunny smile,
And little it cost in the giving.
But like the morning light, it scattered the night
And made the day worth living"

-Anon

Memories

The obstruction moved and it came flowing in
Soothing fluid, transparent, yet rich
Surrounding me again, washing me again

I waded in the rush and let it refresh
Showered me, lovingly, and awoke me
Once again, saturating me with bliss

And the stream... eventually stopped
It receded, dried up, and ran out
And again, I wish it could have lasted

Love

Oh... *sigh

I seem to have the fear that in telling others of esoteric feelings I experience, there will be a parallax between I and the viewer -- where I will believe to consider myself as does an emphatic poet and the viewer will interpret me to be a boastful show-off.

The previous statement itself is an esoteric feeling.

Aw crap.

"Swansea" - Bombay Bicycle Club (covered by @iwantaltitude)

Ash Wednesday

A Bad Intro

I think both sides are to blame for someone not being able to appreciate and learn something new. The enthusiast doesn't appreciate the learner, and the learner doesn't appreciate the enthusiast.

The "Portrait of Dr. Gachet" (2nd Version)

While The Starry Night is my favorite Vincent van Gogh piece, The Portrait of Dr. Gachet (2nd version) is an extremely close second.  Van Gogh painted his particular facial expression... perfectly. His face is the focal point of my entire life.  What can you say about the face Dr. Gachet is making? Kind? Loving? Serene? Caring? Firm? Sad? Happy? Compassionate? Understanding? What about the emotional/mental/spiritual/physical workings inside the mind making that face?  Who is he facing? (Well, he technically faced van Gogh for the piece...).  Have you ever made that facial expression before? How about towards yourself? How about making that face to God? How about Jesus making that face to you? How about your spouse making that face to you? How about your boyfriend/girlfriend making that face to you? How about your brother/sister/son/daughter making that face to you? What would it mean to you if someone made that face to you?

What causes a person to make that facial expression? 

Van Gogh knew.  He's asking us if we know. 

Here's the link to the wiki for the picture of it: Wiki link

"If you're not thankful for what you have now...

... you'll never be thankful no matter how much more you get" - Unknown

When someone is pouring their heart out, owning up to his or her mistake to you...

 don't just stand there and do nothing!

Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp,

Or what's a heaven for? -- Robert Browning 

And sometimes...for whatever reason, we fall short -- fall short of expectation, fall short of performance, and sometimes, dreadfully, fall short on word.  And if a person's sincerely owning up to their mistakes, already feeling really guilty, and rightfully taking responsibility for the repercussion of their actions... how long should one hold out those comforting words "It's okay", and, even more so, "I forgive you"? Of course, no one should say what they don't mean -- but isn't it equally mean to hold off on compassion?

Quick blog

... whilst I wait for the bus.

So school has definitely started and today marks the first week done.  Loving my schedule.  Last semester I had a six-day-school-week (mon-sat... but only once class a day), but now I only have a three-day-school-week (mon, weds, thurs).  I love the change of pace, more exerted effort in the short days than a sustained drudgery for six days at a time...

There's a struggle I'm facing which fundamentally has to do with the never-ending struggle (for me) of how I should prioritize things relative to me.  There's a balance I'm trying to maintain... it's harder for me in this sense than in other things which I moderate really well.  It's as if the line of being "selfish" and "selfless" is so thin for me that I fall off the thin tight-rope to only one side so easily, and, without fail, feel guilty I'm at one end of the fall and not in the other.

Bus is here!

Treat Others the Way You'd Like to be Treated

... be sure you'd like to be treated in a respectful way

... be sure you'd like to be treated in a way that makes you want to be a better person

... be sure you'd like to be treated in a way that guides you not make the wrong choices, to not break the law

... be sure you'd like to be treated in a way that guides you to not do wrong

... be sure you'd like to be treated in a way that guides you to not be a mean person

... be sure you'd like to be treated in a way that acknowledges your values and morals

... be sure you'd like to be treated in a way that looks out for your well-being

... be sure you'd like to be treated in a way that understands that context of your weaknesses

... be sure you'd like to be treated in a way that understands when you are not having a good day

... be sure you'd like to be treated in a way that inspires you to overcome your weaknesses

If you are spread too thin and have to give up on something...

Don't give up on virtues. Instead, give up on things that make you less virtuous.

Giving Thanks

The best possible feeling is the realization that you can overcome your greatest obstacles with the help of God. There's a growth about the suffering that cannot be described by words; all of the English I know can't possibly detail the feeling except to say you feel an incredible embrace of love and the clearest tranquility and peace of the mind.  It goes without saying though, that the validity of these words can't be properly convincing unless without action. Surely I will be tested again, in another way, in another difficulty, at another time.  I am not worried about that anymore.

Temperament

I've come to realize I'm "a naturally introverted practicing extrovert".

First Monday of the New Year

Went to a special Blessed Sacrament Adoration service at Church with some great friends, Mandy (Bridgit to me), Nathalie, Justin, Mario and AJ, then after had a great time getting some dinner and drinks.  Wonderful way to spend the first Monday of the new year :) 

Self-righteousness and Appreciation

It's a challenging concept, I think, the juxtaposition between the two qualities.

I think self-righteous people fundamentally, whether knowingly or unknowingly, just want to be appreciated, aside from wanting to be correct. Being self-righteous actually is an obnoxious way, the opposite of passive-aggressiveness, to gain sense of superiority over another person. 

I don't think there's a need to flaunt and be self-righteous at all - and when I mean being self-righteous, I mean the pompous show of certainty one feels when they know they are right.  Suppose one is right when it comes to a subject - how is being self-righteous ever going to teach another person to acknowledge the truth? Isn't that the purpose of talking? Because it's contradicting when someone apparently wants to help another person learn something but transfers that information in a form, in a vibe, that isn't understanding, receptive, and self-deprecating - knowing that one has been in the position of being wrong/naive before is the reason why one should be more gentle in their tutelage. 

On the other hand, appreciation is something everyone should try to do when a tutor is being receptive, understanding, and self-deprecating. 

However, no one should place the desire to be rightfully appreciated above the need to be receptive and understanding of another person's abilities. In fact, the apparently inherent desire to feel appreciated in some way, shape, or from is actually detrimental to one's goal - but it's a struggle we all face (why? because the desire to feel appreciated shouldn't drive one's actions).  The first priority of a teacher of anything is that the  knowledge, virtue, fact, etc. they are trying to convey is transferred in a respectful, understanding, and firm yet self-deprecating way. 

Or else that teacher comes out as a self-righteous jerk who doesn't seem to deserve any sympathy (even though the jerk really does) when he or she fails at the knowledge, virtue, truth, etc that he or she self-righteously proclaimed in the first place. 

A New Year!

So much has happened since the last blog.  I've done a poor job keeping you up-to-date but suffice to say, it's been a crazy ride up to this point! Amazing and difficult, and all in between. :)

Fall semester ended. Simbang Gabi Novena (only 8/9 days completed this year... sad...). A wonderful Christmas in San Jose. A sad funeral. Kickin' it with amazing friends and beyond incredible family. Drinks (the White Russian is mmm tasty). Guinness. Sacramento Kings games (that Kings/Knicks games WAS HISTORICAL... and I saw the next game live!). Smokes (cigars). Gambling.  A New Year celebration.  Snowboarding in Tahoe. Clubbing (which was a fail... I couldn't get in the club, coz of my "long jeans"... geeze louise!), late-nights watching movies, amazing coffee, a lot of karaoke!

That's my brief attempt at trying to detail what my break so far has looked like... but it's really a lot wilder than that list I can assure you ;)

It's also an amazing feeling realizing I still have 17 days left of winter break until my last full semester in community college. YES that's right! My last semester in community college. I am finally able to transfer to a university next fall! I was beyond myself when I got my first application confirmation... I'm still waiting for two more to release their verdict.  I won't say where I've already been accepted yet, but just knowing that I'm accepted somewhere... It's an incredible feeling guys and I am so incredibly thankful.

Happy New Year everyone.  I'm hoping you all take advantage of this new year, and every new day that comes from it.

Sincerely yours,
Aaron