Stewing in the Chaos

A big portion of scientific research depends on modeling.  Working on the periphery of academia, that's more than clear. The irony is that while much of my time has been filled with scientific quantitative modeling (I'm currently reading two texts on statistics and practicing a lot of Matlab programming) and financial modeling (modeling my own finances; I need more practice with this), I've neglected something which has always, up until this point, was the foundation, and often times was more important than, both my career and finances: spiritual and psychological modeling -- modeling my personal well-being.

Oftentimes it's easy for me to analyze someone else's life and find recurring "themes" (as I like to call them). Themes being his or her own loop of behavior in times of certain circumstances. It's a meta-analysis that's extremely interesting to me. It's essentially modeling.

A lot of people don't learn from their mistakes. A lot of people make the same mistakes over and over. Conversely, a lot of people consistently make good choices. 

I often wonder why a lot of people don't learn from their mistakes. For the most part, I think the root cause is lack of awareness of their repeated decisions. And that's why self-awareness is so important. That's why reflection is so important, in my opinion -- the ability to "deconstruct" oneself.  I admit, it's kind of scary to do. Most people don't like to think of themselves as in the wrong, so attempting to reconsider oneself is de-facto thinking something is wrong with oneself. Our natural tendency, our interior pride, is both our strength and our downfall.

Of course, I'm also stuck in my own sinister loops as well. They're hard to break. And for me, it's mostly always when I'm in neck deep in trouble is when I realize "Oh shit, I've done it again".  And the steeping process begins -- again.

However, there's a silver lining (I personally like to think there's always is a silver lining). In my own life, I've noticed that instances such as these, when I'm stewing in the chaos I've created (or that I'm afflicted with -- hey, I'm not always my own executioner), is when I'm most capable of realizing my situation and breaking free from these vicious cycles. It's like an anti-second-chance. Think of receiving a big break. This is the opposite of that, but still an opportunity to do better.

A part of me wants to react in this situation. To simply do whatever I can to get out of the stew as fast as possible. That means making less than sound decisions and taking desperate measures. Sure, these work out sometimes. But desperate measures, by definition, have a negative-expected value (I haven't done the math but experiences prove quite certain -- I'm realizing).

Rather, I'm forgetting that boiling in this mess is itself a good thing. I realize that last sentence sounds kind of morbid. Oh well, the situation is what it is, might as well call it what it is. The big question: why not let the consequences happen? Instead of running from them, reacting to them in nonsensical ways, embrace the consequences. Embrace the tragedy. Embrace the situation. Boil in your own stew of chaos. Let it transform you. Let it embed itself in your head and heart. It will eventually pass. Let it do what its supposed to do until then, which is to remind you that you never want to be put in this situation again. Lest to sound unfeeling, let me make clear that I do realize that not everyone puts themselves willingly into awful situations; this paragraph is explicitly only for those who sincerely, after deep reflection, acknowledge that mostly everything that happens to us is the result of one's actions in some way, shape, or form -- even if just a little detail is one's own fault, that's the action that's due for critique in proportion to the situation. Or, for the more radical existentialist take, even if it was never your fault at all, still, simmer in the mess. It happened for a reason (or, for the existentialists, make a reason and choice for never letting it happen again).

*I notice I interject a lot within my own train of thought. I try to keep interjections to a minimum, only using them to add some "umph" to the tone and readability. I'm aware seemingly off-tangent interjections are more the style of nihilists. I don't consider myself nihilist at all, or at least not in the traditional nihilist sense (lol at the oxymoron: traditional nihilist).*

Sentiments

I'm just going to share some writings that I'm reflecting on at this moment.

Mary Oliver's "Wild Geese":

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

An essay about Sartrean and de Beauvoirian Existentialism: click here

This G.K. Chesterton quote:

“The free man owns himself. He can damage himself with either eating or drinking; he can ruin himself with gambling. If he does he is certainly a damn fool, and he might possibly be a damned soul; but if he may not, he is not a free man any more than a dog.” – Broadcast talk 6-11-35

Cheers,
Aaron