I wonder who you'll meet

I meet people for three hours at a time.
And I'll never see them again.

Sometimes you meet someone who's beautiful
At least they seem so
Then you wonder what if things were different
If you actually knew this person
And then suddenly you want to become
Everything you're not

I've already internalized it
I'm not that attractive
At least not conventionally

Maybe if my skin was lighter
Or maybe if I was rich
Maybe if I was younger
Maybe if I was taller

Maybe if I wasn't broken
I wonder if we could ever be

How timid I am
The world has taught me so
And I'm tired of trying against it

So I'll just give a small smile
And wish you farewell
And wonder who you'll meet
And who will caress your lips
And touch your cheeks
And run his hands through your hair

And who will laugh at your jokes
And make you coffee in the morning
And take you dates to beautiful places
But rather is fixated on your face

And who will argue with you
About some mundane issue
And who will wipe
the tears from your face
When life is unbearable

And I'll wish it could be me

Fighting

I've been a little heavy on the drama in the previous blogs. I'll keep on running with it. 

I'm unhealthy. It's clearly obvious that I can't do too much physical activity. I can't run a mile right now. But even more, sometimes normal things are hard to do. Just waking up and making a day plan and carrying it through ... gets me tired (physically... mentally is another story). 

So I drink coffee. It helps. I know I shouldn't have to though.

But something that helps when I want to be a lazy fat man that gets me up is the thought: 

"Aaron, fight for your life". 

That helps a ton. Living is a fight. I need that realization right now. Lively things fight -- they move and cry and laugh. When babies are born? You hope they come out crying (right?)? 

I need that vitality. I need that cold water. Now more than ever.

Trying to remember

... how it felt to think something meant something for you. 

I've almost given up on this blog. Not intentionally. But if unintentional, is that worse? Or even more, who cares (whether intentional or unintentional... or at all?)? 

Honestly I'm returning to this blog even more confused than before about my life. With fleeting certainty. Pitiful (me). But it's okay. It's okay. Everything happens for a reason, remember? 

Haha I swear I have different moods than existential gloom. I don't want the world to remember me this way. In fact, I'd prefer the opposite. And there's so much beauty in this world... I try not to get dragged down by the dreary... but it's so easy.  The worst part is that when you're dragged down you often don't go alone. You take other people with you (you?).   

Honestly it's cathartic letting it out onto this blog. I'll know I'll bounce back. I still have faith that I will :) With time, yeah. With prayer, yeah. But for now, thank you. It's helpful. I'm not a strong as I think I am or hope I am.  I get tired a lot. But that's okay. It's okay. 

All in degrees. That's the key. It's okay because it's not all or nothing. In fact, it is all AND nothing. And everything in between. Let me explain:

I make a goal to sleep at 11:00 pm. I look at my clock, 10:50 pm. Okay, ten minutes left. I check Facebook, I check my calendar. I check Twitter, I check my messages. 10:59 pm. Okay, better sleep now. 11:00 pm -- wait! I forgot to check my Instagram... 11:10 pm. Shit. Okay, I'll sleep at 12 am.

Why not sleep at 11:11 pm? Or 11:25 pm? 12 am is still okay, a little on the late side. But even 11:45 pm would have worked better in my favor.  Point is --  you don't hit your goal.  Don't throw it all away. Hit your goal +1 minute. Hit your goal +2 minutes. It's okay. Still better than your goal +60 minutes. It can get worse. What's worse? Well... your day next day would be rather shitty without sleep.  (In this sense I've been sleepless far too long. Time to sleep.)

That's my current predicament. I can't get any clearer than that. If I did, what fun would that be?