Trying to remember

... how it felt to think something meant something for you. 

I've almost given up on this blog. Not intentionally. But if unintentional, is that worse? Or even more, who cares (whether intentional or unintentional... or at all?)? 

Honestly I'm returning to this blog even more confused than before about my life. With fleeting certainty. Pitiful (me). But it's okay. It's okay. Everything happens for a reason, remember? 

Haha I swear I have different moods than existential gloom. I don't want the world to remember me this way. In fact, I'd prefer the opposite. And there's so much beauty in this world... I try not to get dragged down by the dreary... but it's so easy.  The worst part is that when you're dragged down you often don't go alone. You take other people with you (you?).   

Honestly it's cathartic letting it out onto this blog. I'll know I'll bounce back. I still have faith that I will :) With time, yeah. With prayer, yeah. But for now, thank you. It's helpful. I'm not a strong as I think I am or hope I am.  I get tired a lot. But that's okay. It's okay. 

All in degrees. That's the key. It's okay because it's not all or nothing. In fact, it is all AND nothing. And everything in between. Let me explain:

I make a goal to sleep at 11:00 pm. I look at my clock, 10:50 pm. Okay, ten minutes left. I check Facebook, I check my calendar. I check Twitter, I check my messages. 10:59 pm. Okay, better sleep now. 11:00 pm -- wait! I forgot to check my Instagram... 11:10 pm. Shit. Okay, I'll sleep at 12 am.

Why not sleep at 11:11 pm? Or 11:25 pm? 12 am is still okay, a little on the late side. But even 11:45 pm would have worked better in my favor.  Point is --  you don't hit your goal.  Don't throw it all away. Hit your goal +1 minute. Hit your goal +2 minutes. It's okay. Still better than your goal +60 minutes. It can get worse. What's worse? Well... your day next day would be rather shitty without sleep.  (In this sense I've been sleepless far too long. Time to sleep.)

That's my current predicament. I can't get any clearer than that. If I did, what fun would that be?