My light

Oh Light of mine
Don't stop shining, don't stop
Being, don't stop
Trying to make the world beautiful
There's not much time left
And what time is left is dreary
When I wake up there's monotony
In my schedule when I try to
Fix things they fall apart
And I'm left trying things over
That won't seem to go
I try believing in my tiredness
Thinking I can overcome an abyss
alone and scared
But what I really need is help
But not help that would bother you
Or take away from your radiance
(Though yours seems perpetual)
Rather just a ray in my direction
Sometimes I think I'm too deep
Too far from you, enclosed
Too trapped, in my worries
Too helpless to be helped
Yet a single spark
(and only you seem to do it)
Though ephemeral, though swift
My iconic memory is triggered
The place is made visible
Long enough to consider
A plan to extricate myself
From my web of distress
And a hope is there
That was wasn't there before
and I can see myself in your light
If I could just keep you with me
But that's not your role
For I'm sure others need you too
But for a moment I consider
What that could be like
Being, in happiness, with you
My light

Raison d'être

(Just casually using French expressions ya know coz why not. That and I can't wait to visit France again)

The past couple of weeks has given me both time to think of my current situation and time to keep it out of my head. Both has been helpful. I've had time away from some troubles which has given me extra time in my day. I've done other things as well to keep me occupied, a lot of work hours, other hobbies, etc., as a break to pass time. What hasn't been helpful is doing both things at once.

It's hard to think of my situation in a light beyond the meaning I ascribe to it, keeping in mind my absurdist background, but, like how the earth was created, you can either put a circle around a dot or realize the dot within the canvas. In reality, I'm a painter and my life is a painting and the decision I have to make is to allow the Master painter to guide my brush or tell Him to back off while I make my own art.

Here's the real impetus for this blog:
Today, I felt the pang (which I now consider a blessing) of that damn thought --"what do I do now?". It echoed all throughout me. It was also very brief, since my body and mind quickly thought of other things as an answer, but it confronted me, stunned me momentarily. What an exquisite pain.

It may be a good thing. It may be a bad thing. But one thing it was for sure was a burning thought and I was really exposed to myself for a moment. Hopefully the next time till it comes, I can give answer to that thought that I feel sure, happy, and content about.

Trying new things

It's nice to get lost in the present.  Plans don't always work out.  The past is filled with mistakes. Tough. So whether it's choosing to live in the present or being forced to do so to stay sane... enjoy it.

Had a sweet Friday yesterday. Met this lovely woman @lissaucy for some end-of-the-week celebratory Italian gelato :)

Optical illusion with scale... my gelato cup is actually larger than hers.

Afterwards, found out through a simple Google search of downtown event's about a live-music performance at a coffee shop (how perfect?) near the capital.  Chance had it the lovely Jessica Malone was performing. Heard some of her music through her website and had to go.  Venue: quaint and cozy. Coffee? Temple. Music? Awesome. Jessica has a new fan :)

The next day, work prompted me to drive over. On the way unfortunately, got into a car accident on the freeway! Hit from the back while at a full traffic stop (I hate traffic).  Glad everyone involved was okay. Just not a good look for my car. But thank God. Mama Mary was protecting me, I feel. I usually say my rosaries on the drives to and from work. Rosaries were key. Went home and iced up. Now writing this blog to Jessica's music after eating a scoop of ube ice cream.  Thinking now of changing the blog layout, it's been years. Yeah, let's change the layout :)

Perks of an Existentialist

I don't know why I haven't considered this kind of blog before... There are so many ways I can consider this idea, and from so many vantage points! From a nihilist-leaning existentialist perspective! From a Christian-existentialist (a la Kierkegaard) perspective! From a modern-existentialist... The list goes on.

Firstly, I'd like to clarify that there are definitely cons to being an existentialist. A appetite for risk and a disillusionment towards social mores is definitely a potent mixture for questionable behavior. I digress.

This is definitely a working blog though as there are many pros:
1. An open mind, specifically one detached from tradition/consensus.
2. A skeptical, therefore scientific, mind.
3. Both a nonchalant and exuberant joie de vivre.
...