Raison d'être

(Just casually using French expressions ya know coz why not. That and I can't wait to visit France again)

The past couple of weeks has given me both time to think of my current situation and time to keep it out of my head. Both has been helpful. I've had time away from some troubles which has given me extra time in my day. I've done other things as well to keep me occupied, a lot of work hours, other hobbies, etc., as a break to pass time. What hasn't been helpful is doing both things at once.

It's hard to think of my situation in a light beyond the meaning I ascribe to it, keeping in mind my absurdist background, but, like how the earth was created, you can either put a circle around a dot or realize the dot within the canvas. In reality, I'm a painter and my life is a painting and the decision I have to make is to allow the Master painter to guide my brush or tell Him to back off while I make my own art.

Here's the real impetus for this blog:
Today, I felt the pang (which I now consider a blessing) of that damn thought --"what do I do now?". It echoed all throughout me. It was also very brief, since my body and mind quickly thought of other things as an answer, but it confronted me, stunned me momentarily. What an exquisite pain.

It may be a good thing. It may be a bad thing. But one thing it was for sure was a burning thought and I was really exposed to myself for a moment. Hopefully the next time till it comes, I can give answer to that thought that I feel sure, happy, and content about.