I spend a lot of time...

I spend a lot of time thinking about other people's perceptions of me and, second to that, their feelings before mine.  And I'm happy to say that I got that right, but where I went wrong is not enough consideration about my perception of me and my own feelings.

I'm truly amazed at some other people who are a lot more selfless than I am, and to the other extent, I'm baffled at how some other people are so malevolently selfish.

What is charity with the idea of recompense? Perhaps for someone who is just for the first time trying to be charitable the reciprocation makes sense.  But what more for those special, holy few who are extremely selfless? If I have learned anything in my own experience in this virtue, there comes a point when no one can really "repay" you back with what you want. No, those special, holy few must do it for something else...

For me, I must be doing something wrong... if not in my actions, it's in my interpretation of those actions, or even deeper yet, my reasons for those actions. It's this grey area I need much more reflection on and experience on, in thought and in prayer.

A Note on Criticism

If the subject matter stands up to a particular level of criticism, then it should be critiqued as such.

I won't deny that, even in art, there are standards to uphold and particular languages of interpretation; however, those critical views in itself have the loopholes of creativity, originality, and overall presentation of the human experience.

Where such loopholes are the prime factors, then a much more special anaylsis is required; in the case of the arts, then such specialized analysis is contemplated in the heart.

For even the quiver in the tone of a singer in a particular song expresses a quality unidentifiable in words.

Traveling

I want to travel and get away. Desperate how I honestly think that'll be the cure. To just up and leave. It's more laughable actually, I mean, I'll be honest and say I haven't the resources and finances to even try. Nor the experience. But it's a reoccuring thought that fills my head. And I know it's foolish at best... What I'm running from will be whereever I go anyways.

"Now to escape involves not just running away, but arriving somewhere.” - Bernhard Schlink, The Reader

I do want to travel though... Someday.

Where Words Fail

Came across this and it's uncanny how it's so neatly worded.

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.”

— Stephen King (Different Seasons)

That still won't stop me from trying, though.  That understanding ear is out there, somewhere.  God willing, I'll find you. 

The Bigger Picture

Oh Finals week...

It's not so much that it's Finals week that's getting to me. I mean, yeah... Final's pretty much determine your grade for the whole semester, and it's all cumulative... that is pretty hard. But Finals week is especially hard because of all the things happening in addition to finals week.

“It isn’t the mountain ahead that wears you out; it’s the grain of sand in your shoe.” 
-- Robert W. Service 

I definitely have a lot of sand in my shoe.

For me, what has been helping me out, and this is an understatement, is looking at the bigger picture - and I really mean the BIG picture:

God loves me, and won't let me go through anything I cannot handle. He's there with me through it all. One day, I will die.  Hopefully, when I die I'll get to go to Heaven to be with Jesus forever, where there is no worries, no sadness, no more suffering.... Heaven excludes all and every form of unhappiness. But to get to Heaven, I need to do the best I can to get through all this suffering I'm going through right now with His help, and at the same time - try to not worry so much and try to enjoy.  He is in control of everything, and even allows some unpleasant things to happen but only for my future benefit (which happened because of my stubbornness anyways, and He even works with that, too! He wastes nothing!); therefore, everything that happens is my opportunity to grow and become better - so there's no reason to be afraid. I just need to try my best to work out all this sand in my shoes, let go when I've done my best, trust in His plan, and go through it with Him by my side. 

It's so beautiful and life-giving for me to hear and repeat what I just wrote.. it's just so hard for me to hold on to when times get so incredibly tough.  But I can't give up...not now. I need to stay faithful, trust, and keep to the bigger picture.

Finals... here I go.