Discouragement enough?

“You! hypocrite lecteur!—mon semblable,—mon frère!”-

Line 76, "The Burial of the Dead", of The Waste Land by T.S. Eliot.

When I'm being rebuked and berated
the first thought is you, first
you, first
What nerve

When anger and hatred
is expressed unsedated
not prorated but exponentiated
I'm supposed to hold my tongue?

It's a bad defense
I feel no less guilty and
I'm aware of the consequences
of my own placed burdens

Or perhaps I don't
I don't really know the extent
And this treatment is deserved
Oh shit, I really messed up

And now, the pain compounded
I start a new journey
More or less more lonely
May God have mercy

Prodigal

"It's not the first mistake that kills you. It's usually the second, or the third." - Unknown.

How about the fourth? Or the fifth? Ad infinitum.

I like the Monty Hall problem. It's unique because, well, first it's essentially gambling. Well, actuarily (pun intended) to be more fair, it's risk analysis and probability. The math could speak for itself. And now, in a way I never thought of it before, it's also attractive in a philosophical way.

Three doors, you choose one. You find out which one is truly a mistake, and are given the choice whether to switch your chosen door or not. The real kicker is that all of the doors are actually a Pandora's box. Whatever you open is equally a prize and full of trouble. Kind of like Schrödinger' Cat, except superposition is not ephemeral, and the conclusion is both objective and subjective to whomever chooses a door. So would you really want to change your door? ... Or, in a totally Camus-ish way, should you even play?

This may very well be a bunch of nonsense.

Would the prodigal son be as infamous without the father? Without the father, only the pigs would notice his sad state. And they wouldn't even care.

A poem for the new year

To echo back my new years reflection blogs a few days ago, a lot can happen in one day.

For my first blog of 2016, I decided to publish a rather vulnerable poem I wrote.  Quite frankly, it underlies the hope for change I have for myself for this new year.  It may even hold some of the same sentiments you might have for this new year as well. It's gloomy. But it's intention is to obtain a more sober mindset.

Happy new year everyone.

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"To Walk Away"

it hurts
and yet it’s the right thing to do
to walk away, to stop trying
before it gets even worse

Uncomfortable
being in this situation
wasn’t supposed to be this way
dreams shattered, painful

Tough mistakes
they’re hard to accept
and relief comes very easily
but predictably also the aches

It’s too late
what's done has been done
the scars are open and wide
better to love them than hate

Too Slow
healing takes time
Patience is not yet my friend
… yet its time to grow

End of the Year Blog (Part 3)

So for the last blog of 2015, I'd like to talk about the absurd one more time.

For reference: http://madenoted.blogspot.com/2013/10/oh-absurdity.html

It's been a crazy year for me for a lot of reasons. I say that because of the things I've experienced and the things I've seen other people experience in 2015.  All of which are too crazy to write down. Consider situations which arose out of total uncertainty, which had an extremely small probability of ever happening in the first place, and that seem to have no apparent reason for happening besides for just happening (but of course, everything happens for a reason). And the amazing thing is that everyone has experiences like these. The paradox is sweet: extraordinary, uncanny, almost impossible things happen to everybody. Situations such as these may differ in relative degrees, but, by definition, they're supposed to be unique to each person, or else they wouldn't be what they are -- absurd!


Two events in the Christmastime readings caught my attention this year:

The Annunciation:

(You can read the whole chapter for yourselves, I highlight specific verses)

Luke 1:29: But she was greatly troubled at what was said and pondered what sort of greeting this might be.

Luke 1:34: But Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I have no relations with a man?”

The Visitation:

Luke 1:43: And how does this happen to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?

The first event is when the angel Gabriel appeared to Mary and said to her she will give birth to Jesus, and the second is the Visitation of Elizabeth by Mary.  What's so struck me this year is how Mary wasn't afraid to question how the pregnancy will take place -- after all, she didn't have any relations with a man! She didn't neglect logic and she wasn't rebuked for questioning how it would happen.

This is part of the sheer awesomeness of absurd moments ... they don't make perfect sense. When confronted by our conventional ideas of logic, our logic falls short. But even under these circumstances, Mary, rather than become in disbelief or denial of the situation at hand, accepted it. She said yes! Yes, it's a difficult thing to fathom, but she trusted in God, despite how absurd the situation was. 

I think this particular passage, for me, allows me to give pause and appreciation for the events that happen in my life that just don't make sense. To accept them after questioning them to the best of our ability. In another way, no use crying over spilled milk. Don't stay stuck in the past. All these sayings come to mind, with the common thread that, although absurd, there's a reason, although an undefinable reason (at least in the present), for them to have occurred, and to trust in how things will unravel, to trust God about the situation and to move forward with whatever has happened. 

Elizabeth's exclamation in the Visitation is just the existential icing on the cake. She has an absurd moment too, being pregnant after being thought unable to give birth again, and says something in the form of what Mary said during the Annunciation, and something I find myself saying all the time -- it came out of my lips a lot this year. 

"How can this be.... " - Luke 1:34

"And how does this happen to me..." Luke 1:43

"Oh my goodness, I can't believe this is happening to me" - Me

"WOW, that's really just happened " - Me

"HOW? *LOL* Of course this would happen to me." Me 

To sum things up, even Mama Mary had absurd experiences. But look what happened by her "yes". Look what happened because of her absurd experience. We have Jesus :) 

Once we lose sight and appreciation of how absurd things are, how absurd situations somethings are, how special things occur... we fall into a monotony that life is never supposed to be. Life is an adventure, with plot twists and turns and crazy things happening. 

I'm looking forward to all the crazy things that will happen in 2016! Happy New Year everyone!

End-of-Year Blog (Part 2)

Usually at the end of the year there's some talk about people making New Years resolutions, and even a few more people touting the all-mighty "New Year, new me" mantra.  Then there are usually people who, although mostly unabashed by the idea of New Years resolutions and making a positive change for the New Year, are skeptical (to say the least) about a palpable and significant change from 11:59pm to 12:00am.

What do I think? Why not!

I'm all for the "New Year, new me" slogan. I honestly believe you can change whatever it is you declare you want to change in a span of one day.  Nay sayers would argue you can do that any day. That's true too!  I agree it's an arbitrary declaration. Yet, the advantage of proclaiming it on New Years eve is that it would be, at the very least, a symbolic synchronization. If a year has past, why can't an "old me" pass as well? If I can walk into a confessional a sinlful man, and walk about a few minutes later sinless, why not? (The holy sacrament of reconciliation has a little more nuance to that argument, but take my word for it).

So needless to say, and truth be told, I've been spending a couple of the last days of this year in bad habit mode. Been justifying it as a bad case before New Years, and then afterwards a change. How effective will it be? I don't know yet. But there's a lot to say about the morale of a clean plate (even if its a declaration made on an arbitrary date change).

I feel hopeful for the new year. This last year has been a roller coaster ride (see Part 1) far more than I can enjoy. Hoping for more stable new year, to the extant of which I can control. I can't control what I can't control, I know that now, in deep and meaningful way. And that's not something I'm worried about anymore. It's the things within my control that I hope I can change. My bad habits.  We'll see.

I hope you all had a merry Christmas with family and friends. I love my family. Had a great Christmas with them. And Happy New Year to everyone as well. And to those changing a new leaf once the clock strikes twelve, cheers! I'm there with you.