I deserve...

*This blog was written on Good Friday this year but has been in queue. -Aaron
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The idea that "I deserve... this" is an incredibly complicated idea simply because we can't really gauge how much someone is worthy of something.  All we know about another person is what we've seen them go through or, even less convincing, what we've heard that person go through. The better solution (if there is any one solution) is to let one's reality of the situation have more weight than other people's opinions.

This conundrum is often considered cut-and-dry because nowadays anytime someone says "I deserve this" it's usually met with the retort "you're entitled". But this can't be the only answer because this sidesteps someone's entire struggle (unless you believe that no one is entitled to anything... then this entire blog is completely useless to you).

I found myself in tears during Good Friday service today [sic]. Because I realized that for the times when I said "I deserve [ ]" the blank was only filled with good things. I believed I deserved good things coming into my life because I've suffered so much already.  I believe I deserved it because I've been so patient. I believed I deserved that the tables to turn and my luck to change. I believed that I deserved things to go my way because I was "a good person".

And it hit me, during Good Friday service, that I'm not as good of a person as I thought. And I knew in the pith of my heart the child that I was before would never have wanted to become me now.

And I realized that the exact opposite thing happened to Jesus. He actually deserved good things and a happy life (unlike me). He did not get what he deserved. And I contrasted that with me and some of my predicaments and how, miraculously, many times I actually got it good when I didn't deserve it.

I didn't deserve the love He gave to me -- his life and (many many many) chances for redemption. Yet he gives it to me anyways. 

There's an understanding within me now that I deserve a lot more bad than good in my life, so whatever good I do receive I must never take it for granted.

And I'm so, so thankful.