Fear

I think this blog will be particularly hard for me. I don't know know what possessed me to actually blog about it, but I feel assured that everything will be okay.

Looking back on a lot of my previous blogs, it's really cool that I'm able to sort of remember when I wrote them. And re-reading them makes me smile. It's especially nice to re-read all the comments I used to get on my blogs; it's kind of a humbling reminder that people actually read my blogs lol :). It's definitely nice to be able to look back and reminisce about when things were so different...

But unfortunately, right now things for me are extremely different than how they used to be from how I was before the beginning of 2010.

Honestly, the past year has been journey for me - a journey of fear. I've been living in fear the past year. Fear had continually consumed my days; each and every day for one year. And for one year I've been constantly afraid, worried, and scared. And embarrassed about it. It's been so hard. So, so hard. And it was mentally painful, and saddened me to the core of my soul. It honestly shook my faith and tested me to my limits.

Father Corapi once said there will be a time in your life when you'll be so scared that you won't be able to move. And it's true. I've been there...and I've lived it.

I'm writing this right now to put into word what others most probably won't - and I could totally understand why. But I've deemed it important to not deny the ordeal, and to no longer conceal it because I've been hiding it for too long. I don't do so in hopes for sympathy. I do so as I think it necessary. I am not perfect. I'm far from it, and I won't deny it, and I won't hide it. And I think this is what I think I need to do; I think this is where I need to go; I think this is what will make the difference.

"I perfer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather to be false, and incur my own abhorrence." - Frederick Douglass

But do you know what's been able to sustain me? I don't know how I would have been able to handle this past year if it hasn't been for God's love. And I won't lie, it's been a struggle for me because at time's it's been hard to feel it while other times I'm so immersed in it. And I won't lie, there have been plenty of times when I've let the Devil enter my thoughts and take me down. And I won't lie, I've lost faith many times.

But I won't lie, God always seemed to have more faith in me than I had in myself. I won't lie, God never gave up on me. I won't lie, God held me those times when I fell flat on my face, held me in His arms, and lifted me up so I could live on. He only gave me something I can handle.

And finally, I won't lie - "God's Will be done" has been the hardest thing for me to let go and surrender to. But when I do surrender to His Will, and I do my best, I feel alive. I can't assure myself that the future will go the way I want it to go, so I won't anymore. But I am sure that God loves me, and only wants the best for me, and that anything that happens to me will be the best for me; and that I can be at peace with.

I recommend to you to let go and let God. That's the only way I got through my fear. And trust me, I've tried everything else. But nothing is more powerful than God. He is bigger than any of your fears.

Sincerely,
Aaron